SEEING THE LIGHT…IN YOUR SELF

One of the greatest gifts we give to ourselves is to SEE ourselves. One of the greatest gifts we give to others is to SEE them.

I love coaching because it’s a perfect venue for allowing me to truly see other people. What a joy to spend my days “seeing” great women and men, seeing who they truly are. Imagine the gift to my soul of being allowed to teach precious souls to see themselves and then to let others see them too.

Where you might get snagged – it’s my new word cuz we’ve all snagged a sweater on something and know how relatively easy it is to unsnag it – is when you want others to SEE you without seeing your self.

Or you want someone to see you but you won’t show your self. That’s a major setup. Be careful here, the ego will convince you that they have to see you first, then, you’ll reveal yourself. It doesn’t work that way.

You’re wanting and waiting for someone to validate you. But it’s not going to happen. Why not?

Well they can only see what we show them and they can only see what they are capable of seeing.

After 20 + years of working on myself, I can now see great depth, wisdom, love, compassion, kindness, sadness, sorrow, joy, pain, creativity, excitement and passion in others because I see and experience them in myself. If I was a person who didn’t go to great depth, I couldn’t see depth in others.

Or if I wasn’t creative, then I wouldn’t recognize and certainly couldn’t validate creativity in another.

I can tell you I wasn’t always comfortable with anger. So I might shy away from a client that was angry. Now that I’ve let myself experience anger – there’s so much energy in anger – I’m not afraid to SEE it and let a client share it.

You can see how in the past that wouldn’t have been the case. I might have even tried to talk the person out of their anger because I was uncomfortable. Now I’ve been known to provoke anger to give clients something to push against.

It’s no one’s fault that they can’t validate or SEE you, either they have those qualities or they don’t. Sometimes people reject certain qualities in themselves so then they really don’t want to acknowledge it in you. They can’t, not until they embrace it in themselves.

Often when we’re younger we don’t have the experience or the depth to SEE things in people. A lot of women get “rejected,” then go into hiding or wait for a man to validate her. But men develop more as they age and they appreciate different things as they age. Give them another chance or five.

So do you want to SEE yourself? I know you know that there are special things about you. Even if you can only remember glimpses of things from your childhood. They are still there.

Don Miguel Ruiz, in “The Four Agreements” talks about how we get domesticated as children. We learn to behave in a way that makes mommy and daddy happy and then they give us love. The trouble with that is that we aren’t being ourselves and so we lose sight of who we are. We lose sight of what makes us special and unique.

As a coach, I encourage my clients and guide them to get back in touch with their uniqueness.

So before you set yourself up again to get someone to validate you, I want you to realize they can’t do that. It’s impossible. Don’t even try. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Validate yourself. Only you have the power to do that. Then once you’re in touch with what’s precious about your self then let others see it.

Here’s something I want you to SEE about men:

Most men aren’t mind readers. Women want men to SEE them. Guess what? Men can’t work that hard, and for good reason.

If you only knew how much men deal with in the relationship arena, you would make it so much easier for them.

Men are supposed to do the pursuing, all the asking. They’re supposed to know what the woman wants, where she wants to go, when she wants to be asked out. Should I pay? Should I open the door? What should I wear? Men are insecure too. You should hear them from my perspective. Most men aren’t comfortable in the relationship arena. But they’re trying. Please cut them some slack.

They’ll work hard, but don’t make it impossible for them. Don’t set them up. Show them what is precious about you. SEE what is precious about them. They will love you for it – if they’re developed and stable.

Let me give you an example. I’ve been married 16 years. The other day I realized something about my husband and decided to share it with him in a card. On the outside of the envelope I wrote “Mighty Soul.” I have never in 16 years seen his face light up the way it did when he read that. You’d have thought I just handed him a pot of gold. Evidently what I gave him was even better than gold. It was the gift of SEEING him. He is a mighty soul. It fits him perfectly.

If you like to light other people up, look to see what you see in them and tell them. If you want to light yourself up, look to see what is magnificent about your self and tell your self. Then go out in the world and be that mighty soul, that uplifting source of energy, that gentle spirit, kind heart, or soft place to land. Whatever it is - be it. Live it. Share it.

Someone special will ultimately SEE you. They will recognize your qualities. They will want to be part of your life. In the meantime, you’ll be enjoying life, not hiding from it.

Choose to SEE yourself. Ask others what they SEE in you. Ask your friends, ex’s, family, co-workers. They’ll tell you. And if they can’t, it’s not because you don’t have anything special, it’s because they can’t see it in themselves. Turn around and share something that you value in them.

Don’t hide your precious self. Don’t wait for others to see and validate you.

You are a precious child of the Divine Source. Come out, come out, wherever you are. I see and honor you.

Choose to SEE yourself. Choose to SEE others. Choose to let others SEE you.

imagine the possibilities...

© Carol Chanel

From Cindy a 32-year-old interior designer in Chicago.

Q: Carol, I have this overwhelming need to have my clients tell me how great my work is. I’m always looking for validation from them. And most of the time I get it. The trouble comes when I don’t get it. In fact, I might even sometimes look for criticism.

Once I hear the slightest criticism then I get tense and don’t feel like working on their project. It always ends up in a disaster. Can you help me figure out how not to care so much?

A:Cindy, I can understand why getting validated for your creative work would feel so nice. And, of course, you care about whether they like the final product or not. We don’t want to take that away from you. We want to give you a different perspective.

I think where you are getting snagged is in hearing criticism and letting that shut down your creative process.

Your clients need to be able to give you feedback on what works for them and what doesn’t work for them.

Instead of hearing it as “criticism,” what if you saw it as “not working for them.” After all they have to live with it. Design is a collaborative effort.

What I know about creativity is that once you change your perspective from “criticism” to “it just doesn’t work for them,” then your creativity will flow again. From that place you might even create something better than the first time around.

It will be fun again and a challenge. And you won’t have disasters because your creativity will be flowing.

Cindy sometimes people aren’t very good at wording feedback. They might not be trained to understand the impact their words, style or energy might have on you. And I want to tell you it isn’t personal. It’s their style or lack of something.

Now if a client isn’t right for you – if they are costing you too much energy, time or heart, then let them go. You are the only one who can know if they are costing you too much. Let them go to another designer and create the space for your “perfect client” to come to you.

Cindy, great question. If you read the books “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and “Attracting Perfect Customers” by Stacey Hall you will have the most joyful, creative work life imaginable.

Have fun. Happy Creating!!

I’ve mentioned this book before and given the topic of this ezine, I want to share it again.

“The Treehouse” by Naomi Wolfe. The subtitle is: “Eccentric Wisdom From My Father on How to Live, Love and See.”

The book is about how to get back in touch with your imagination. When you’re playing and creating from your imagination you are unique, because you are just being you. And having a good time doing it.

It’s a lovely book, easy-to-read, and filled with a wise teacher’s guidance to help us reconnect to our self and our imagination.

“Be still and listen. Leonard believes that there is always guidance from an inward voice and illumination from an outward light.”

I hope this assists you in hearing that voice and having your path lit.

I teach people to disconnect from the 5 major obstacles that keep them stuck in worn-out relationships or falling for the same disastrous person, again and again.

Many people think they have to settle for safety and companionship instead of love, passion and freedom.

We sometimes forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.

Are you - or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting, either in relationships or a career?

Call me. You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck you can be joyful and free again!

If you would like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.

You can visit my website at:
http://www.carolchanel.com

You'll find other articles there and more in-depth information about both my services and me.

Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach
http://www.carolchanel.com
mailto: carolchanel@verizon.net
310-998-8860
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