FREE YOURSELF OF FEELING I DON'T
"I don't deserve love!" One my new clients, I'll call her Cheryl, said this the
other day with complete conviction. I asked her
why. She said, "Well look at my
life. I'm 36, divorced, never date anyone for more than three months, or they're
always unavailable, men always leave me, so it stands to reason that I just don't
What's sadly true is that so many people believe they
don't deserve. They've convinced
themselves this is true. Not
everyone experiences it in the area of love, for others it might be money, or a
great job, or a fabulous home, or a trim, fit body or tons of energy and
wonderful health. Each person who believes they don't
deserve will have an area or areas of their lives where that manifests for
When Cheryl said it "stands
to reason" then I knew exactly where to start to help her change her
perspective. In this case the
reason part was coming from her negative ego.
The negative ego is great at convincing us that we
don't deserve certain things, and then shows us proof - not really but it looks
like proof. What you might not
realize is that the negative ego is what has created a life that looks like you
don't deserve. Remember we get
what we think about, whether we want it or not.
In addition to that fact, as Wayne Dyer writes in his
new book "Excuses Begone," "I Don't Deserve" is an excuse. He says it comes from the lack of
self-esteem. Makes sense doesn't
it? If you don't have self-esteem, you don't feel like you
deserve to have love, money, health, etc.
Here's what else Dr. Dyer
writes: "This excuse (I Don't
Deserve) is based on a belief in the validity of your unworthiness. It's as if a part of you wants to
protect you from (what's assumed to be) the unbearable pain of feeling that maybe they're right, and I don't deserve it. If you ask that part of you why it's
doing this, it will have good reasons. But those reasons are, in effect, lies, and functioning by their edict
means that you're living a lie. You
don't earn worthiness - you're equally as deserving of all that this glorious
world offers as anyone else is."
He continues, "Believing
that you're not good enough to have unlimited happiness, success, and health is
a colossal fabrication that bears no resemblance to the truth of your life
today. It keeps you discouraged,
with a well-intentioned excuse to protect you from taking action. But
it isn't protecting you; it's preventing you from becoming conscious
of your unquestionable worthiness. In the presence of now, this excuse has no place in your life."
So this excuse that seems to protect you is actually
preventing you from taking action and having the life you want and actually
deserve. It's also preventing you
from attracting what you want because your focus is on not deserving. You want your focus to be on I Do
Deserve and I Am Worthy.
In Cheryl's case we looked
at how, where and when she developed this false conclusion of her
unworthiness. (Her mother had been
highly critical, even downright nasty to her and her father never stood up for
her. So her self-esteem was shot
by the time she was 10.) Then I
had her look at how having that perspective had caused her to choose unacceptable
For instance, she dated a
man for a year who lived in another city and because he had young children from
a previous marriage he had no intention of moving. She had a great job and friends where she lived and didn't
want to move to his hometown. But
she kept dating him - exclusively - and so for one year she missed out on the
opportunity to date other - available - men.
When she really looked at
why she had made that choice, she realized she had been afraid that no one else
would like her so she better settle for him. In other words, she felt she didn't deserve any better than
an unavailable man.
As you can imagine, her 20's,
early and mid 30's were filled with those kinds of relationships. Unavailable men - either physically or emotionally,
critical men, lonely nights and a refusal to believe in her worth and get out
in the world to meet desirable men. The kind of men she actually deserved.
Then she would get depressed and her energy would
drop and from that place she couldn't attract a great man. Men aren't attracted to depressed women
and vice versa. Ever notice that you meet men or women when you're feeling good
about yourself not when you're depressed?
We know that we get what we
think about. So if we think we
don't deserve love, then the ego will make sure it creates that experience over
and over again. The ego loves to
be right. Really loves it!! Remember as Wayne Dyer says, it thinks
it's protecting you, but it's really preventing you.
So what's the solution? "Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at
change." Another of Wayne Dyer's
brilliant insights. So you have to
be willing to change from seeing yourself as undeserving to deserving. If you know that feeling undeserving or
unworthy is an excuse, you have to be willing to let go of the excuse if you
If you think you don't
deserve to be 100% healthy, you won't go to the best doctors. You'll think you aren't worth spending
that much money on. If you think
you don't deserve to be happy, you won't spend the money to work on yourself to
get free of that lie. If you think
you don't deserve money you won't take the new job that offers more money, and
comes with more responsibility.
Whatever it is you've convinced yourself you don't deserve,
you will make sure you don't have it, you will make sure if it comes your way
you'll sabotage it.
In "Excuses Begone" Wayne Dyer also writes that "I
don't deserve it translates to: Feel sorry for me. The
payoff? You're going to give me
what I want because you can't stand to see me feeling unworthy."
The trouble will that payoff is that ultimately
people will get exhausted by your "poor me, I don't deserve excuse" and they
will run away from you. In actuality, you are creating your
reality by what you think about yourself. I'm undeserving creates a life where you get what you think about -
nothing you deserve.
So let's review what we have so far. Your negative ego creates the feeling
and belief that you don't deserve. It's an excuse that comes from having low self-esteem and it's a
self-fulfilling prophecy, because you get what you think about whether you want
it or not. There are payoffs for
any excuse you use and in this case the "feel sorry for me" payoff causes
people ultimately to run from you. It's a turn off.
To quote one of my precious
friends: "Quit it!" Refuse to accept that excuse. You do deserve!
You are part of God, Source energy. You come from God. That makes you worthy and deserving. That truth
allows you to go out in the world feeling great about yourself and from that
place you attract the right man or woman, friends, job, money, doctors, people
Choose to feel deserving. Choose to not listen to your negative ego and its lies. Choose to know you come from a loving,
divine Source. You don't earn
worthiness, it's your birthright. Don't let the bad behavior of other people - parents, siblings,
teachers, ex spouses - convince you otherwise.
Everyone deserves love, wealth,
health, abundance, joy and guidance.
See yourself as God/Source sees you - pure spirit,
love and light. You are a
spiritual being having a human experience. You come from this amazing loving Source energy. You literally can't do anything to
disconnect yourself from that beautiful, pure loving energy.
You have a choice. Either see yourself as God/Source sees
you - pure love and light, or see yourself as your negative ego sees you - not
worthy, not deserving.
The first is the choice that frees you, the other one
is a choice to stay in excuse mode and get the payoffs for that excuse.
I know you want to be free, so don't choose the
excuse / payoff path, choose to believe the truth - you are worthy, you are
Since you have to choose
one, choose to think, I Do Deserve, I Am Worthy.
Imagine the possibilities. . . .
© Carol Chanel
One of my clients called the other day and asked me
for some steps to keep her from getting stuck in Yuma.
Since she’s been working with me for a while she
had the framework that I outlined in the main article.
I wanted you all to have the framework so you could
put the steps to work in your life.
If you want
more information about the subject matter in the main
article there are two brilliant books and a CD that
are insightful and inspiring.
Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer
and It’s Given” by Abraham-Hicks
Kansas City 9/14/05 CD – single CD, about $15.
Available on their website:
Or you can call them to order it at 1-830-755-2299
and CD’s are uplifting, inspiring and powerful
and provide the tools you’ll need to have a life
of happiness, love, fulfillment and joy.
allowing and receiving!
I teach people
to overcome the obstacles that keep them stuck yet longing
for romantic relationships, more self-confidence and
inspiration to accomplish their dreams.
forget what it feels like to live from our hearts and
souls. We forget the thrill of taking the brakes off
and flying. Life is dull if we just live from our minds.
Are you -
or someone you know - settling, for less than exciting,
either in relationships or a career?
You don't have to be stuck! And once you are unstuck
you can be joyful and free again!
If you would
like to explore working with me, please call me at 310-998-8860.
You can visit
my website at:
other articles there and more in-depth information about
both my services and me.
Certified Life Coach
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